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Thread: what to do when someone you love pushes you away??

  1. #1
    Young One
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    Default what to do when someone you love pushes you away??

    so what do you do when someone who you love and someone who says you are their rock pushes you away and says they need to deal with their personal issues alone for a few weeks?

    i don't want to really get into too much of specifics, but basically i have a friend who i care about very much who is going through a very rough time...on a couple different fronts...

    for the past few weeks i have tried very hard to be there to support her, but she is just CONSTANTLY, complaining, flipping out, on edge, one minute everything is all good, one minute the world is crashing down.

    we've all been there...we've all gone through our ups and downs, but i don't think i've ever had someone close to me push me away this much....

    ive decided to just let her be and give her the space that she has asked for ( even though my gut says space now is just the pre-curosor to the end of our friendship)

    i can honestly say i've never tried so hard to be there for someone , and def never tried so hard and STILL got pushed away.

    has anyone ever been in this position before? what did you do?

    i almost feel guilty walking away because i know she doesn't really have anyone else she can go to...but on the other hand she told me to give her space so i guess i shouldn't
    http://www.sorebuttcheeks.blogspot.com/

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    Intermittent Fasting Snob eliseexige's Avatar
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    Yeah, walk for a bit. Sometimes you just need to handle something yourself before you're able to accept help with it. Take a step back and let it evolve, and just go from there.

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    Young One Thread Starter Thread Starter
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    you know i guess in the past my selfish inclincation would have just been to walk away and not think twice...but im trying to be a better person than that, but this is what she's asking.

    so for the first time when i actually intend on doing " the right" thing, im getting told its okay to take the easy way out and just not even have to worry about it... its like a *mindfcuk* if you get what i mean
    http://www.sorebuttcheeks.blogspot.com/

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    Gold Member prima's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by itsallgenetics View Post

    so for the first time when i actually intend on doing " the right" thing, im getting told its okay to take the easy way out and just not even have to worry about it... n
    This can often be the opposite..its often harder to walk away and "not worry". I think space can be many times the precursor to an end...but not all the time. This is where faith comes in. Either way it goes, it will define the true makeup of the friendship.

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    Super Moderator sassy69's Avatar
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    Some people cope by putting up a wall. Sometimes its because they feel they've lost their confidence and just feel more intimidated by others, sometimes its because they start feeling like the people trying to help them are just really telling them what to do - this can make someone feel like you no longer trust their instincts or the power balance has shifted, not in their favor.

    For whatever reason - IMO the best thing you can do is just tell her you're there for her when she needs you and leave it at that. If she's giving you this message now that she needs space, the more you push to "be there for her" the more she is going to interpret that as "no I don't respect your need for space because you're a baby and you need to let someone else tell you what to do."

    Its weird hearing that from someone who is someone you care for - but to not aggravate the current sore spot in whatever way it is that she interprets it - simply say "I know you're in a tough spot right now - I know you can handle it, but just know I'm here for you if you need me because I value our friendship and hope that you will always be there for me when I need someone."

    Basically just a reaffirmation of your friendship and a reminder that you need the friendship as much as you want to be there for her as a friend. You know the old adage about "when you love someone, set them free..."
    "Like duct tape, the gym fixes everything."

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    Ancient Alien H-Reap's Avatar
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    The "pushing away" and the "I need space" things are usually the kiss of death in a relationship. I'm speaking as a woman who's been in situations with past relationships that I felt wasn't working out one way or the other. Either the chemistry wasn't there or I felt the guy was way too pushy/needy and it scared the crap out of me (so run to hills I went!)

    On an upbeat note - there are plenty of fish in sea who will appreciate your kindness

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    Gold Member J_Marnix's Avatar
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    Thank her for her honesty.
    Tell her you care and just won't go away.
    Tell her you'll respect her boundaries, and give space as she needs.

    Tell her you will call her in ____ (days/week its up to you when you plan to do this).
    And tell her it does not mean she can't call you sooner, that door is still open to her.

    The rest depends on where you want this friendship / relationship to go, and independently, where she chooses to.

  8. #8
    Young One Thread Starter Thread Starter
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    thanks for the advice, she has already told me she is putting up a wall to protect herself.

    she has told me time and time again she feels helpless and like she is nothing....ive tried to support her through this but to no avail.

    i know what she is going through is ALOT, and it has had nothing to do with her and mine's lack of chemistry or intimacy or anything like that...unfortunately these situations have caused a great strain on those otherwise perfect aspects...

    i know the saying if you love something let it go if it comes back to you, its yours... if i loose her as a friend it is what it is i can not change that, i have more of a fear of:
    1. her going off the deepend because she has no one else she can talk to about these issues.

    2. although she is going through alot, financially she has no worries, so she can pretty much completely just shut off herself to the world and she doesn't have to worry about any of the other stresses of life.( not realistic way to live life and i don't like that)

    3. if she/we do get over this, is this going to be a pattern where she just shuts down and internalizes everything when she faces adversity?

    these 3 things have me thinking more so than anything else, while i value her friendship very much, ive lost people close to me and ive pretty much learned how to move on or struggle through the process as cold as that sounds...
    http://www.sorebuttcheeks.blogspot.com/

    I AM NOT THE ORIGINAL! JUST BUMPING FOR A GOOD BRO WITH GREAT INFO

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    Frankenbutt Caligula's Avatar
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    Wow....a lot of things...

    a) Learn that "no means no".
    b) Push them back
    c) If you fall...grab your neck.
    d) If it's a dude, bodyslam him.
    e) Hit em' with a brick.

    After rethinking things...I might have taken the term "pushing" a little too literal. I'll get back to you.
    Curious


    "THAT WHICH DOES NOT KILL YOU MAKES YOU STRONGER"

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    Intermittent Fasting Snob eliseexige's Avatar
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    LOL ^^^

  11. #11
    Young One Thread Starter Thread Starter
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    Quote Originally Posted by Caligula View Post
    Wow....a lot of things...

    a) Learn that "no means no".
    b) Push them back
    c) If you fall...grab your neck.
    d) If it's a dude, bodyslam him.
    e) Hit em' with a brick.

    After rethinking things...I might have taken the term "pushing" a little too literal. I'll get back to you.
    i have no idea how this is suppose to help me bro...
    http://www.sorebuttcheeks.blogspot.com/

    I AM NOT THE ORIGINAL! JUST BUMPING FOR A GOOD BRO WITH GREAT INFO

  12. #12
    Hi Mr. Pelham's Avatar
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    if someone pushes you away you go away until they want to come back, then it's up to you to decide if you want them back.



    I'm sorry man, take this as some tough love, I like you and all I think you're cool in my book, Sabres fan and all....but you have to stop being such a fag pussy bitch! Act like a man and you won't have so many girl problems

    -love Mr. P

  13. #13
    Super Moderator MR. BMJ's Avatar
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    If it is an intimate relationship - then they can't just decide to push you away when the going gets tough. If this is a trend, i'd get out now. Offer your help, and let the person know how you feel. If they still decide to distance themselves from you, then find somebody else. You can't be with somebody who is going to runaway all the time and shell themselves from you. Problems need to be worked out through communication as adults and solved as adults, and not some childish immature manner of neglect. You can't do this in any relationship, and if it continues to occur in a marriage, that is disaster.

    If they just need a day or two to relieve some stress then that is a little different. Just give it to them.

    If it is a non-intimate "friend," then just offer your support, and tell them to get back to you if they need anything.
    "No researcher has made a human bigger than a dumb-shit bodybuilder."---Dan Duchaine (12/18/97)


  14. #14
    Young One Thread Starter Thread Starter
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    thanks bmj...

    its an intimate friendship, yes....

    and i think basically u hit the nail on the head...it was nothing negative with our friendship...but it was a whole bunch of other stuff in her life that was REALLY bringing her down, shit it would bring me down ( some very serious stuff) but none the less, she has asked for space until a certain date...like u say if its a day or two thats one thing...but a week or more...? too much

    i agree when the going gets tough you don't run from the one you love, you run too them...

    mr. p i'm not being a pussy, a pussy would have said see-ya 2 weeks ago and left their friend high and dry, i stuck around to see if this "running/shell myself" attitude would change but it only seems to have gotten worse
    http://www.sorebuttcheeks.blogspot.com/

    I AM NOT THE ORIGINAL! JUST BUMPING FOR A GOOD BRO WITH GREAT INFO

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    Frankenbutt Caligula's Avatar
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    It's a shitty situation when the more you want to help, the more someone pushes you away. Unfortunately if you push to hard, they might push you away indefinately.
    Curious


    "THAT WHICH DOES NOT KILL YOU MAKES YOU STRONGER"

    "THE HARDER YOU WORK, THE HARDER IT IS TO SURRENDER" - Vince Lombardi

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    Connoisseur of Women 2ez's Avatar
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    your not walking away....your providing space in your togetherness.


    Go to a Strip Club and just chill

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    Gold Member Ranger's Avatar
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    Neck punch.

    Ranger

  18. #18
    Hi Mr. Pelham's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by itsallgenetics View Post
    mr. p i'm not being a pussy, a pussy would have said see-ya 2 weeks ago and left their friend high and dry, i stuck around to see if this "running/shell myself" attitude would change but it only seems to have gotten worse
    forgive me, but I'm calling BS. I've had some chicks that I was crazy about say the same thing...so since I didn't want to seem clingy or desperate so I said "ok, hope it works out and if you need anything/me call me". Stop trying so hard to 'be there'...she knows you're there. So man up, go to the gym, strip club, call your buddies and get drunk and fuck more girls.

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    Frankenbutt Caligula's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ranger View Post
    Neck punch.

    Ranger
    I like that idea. It's amazingly effective. And the person makes a cool sound.
    Curious


    "THAT WHICH DOES NOT KILL YOU MAKES YOU STRONGER"

    "THE HARDER YOU WORK, THE HARDER IT IS TO SURRENDER" - Vince Lombardi

    "A COWARD HAS NO SCAR"


    - I NEVER ASKED TO BE SHOWN HOW HUMAN I WAS, OR JUST WHAT I COULD BECOME.

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    Super Moderator HULK1550's Avatar
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    its no coincidence that the three women that posted all say its basically the end of the relationship often times. if she isnt the one you honestly plan on spending the rest of your life with then get out or she will do this shit to you over and over. thats if she ever comes back in the 1st place

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    Quote Originally Posted by HULK1550 View Post
    its no coincidence that the three women that posted all say its basically the end of the relationship often times. if she isnt the one you honestly plan on spending the rest of your life with then get out or she will do this shit to you over and over. thats if she ever comes back in the 1st place

    amen.

    I hope you work it out for yourself IAG, always take care of yourself. don't put yourself in a position to be hurt.

    Good luck bro
    -----------------------------------------------------------------------
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    Gold Member J_Marnix's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by itsallgenetics View Post
    3. if she/we do get over this, is this going to be a pattern where she just shuts down and internalizes everything when she faces adversity?
    If that's the pattern, or how she copes with life's struggles, is this something you want in going forward with an intimate relationship?

    Either way, you can not fix this yourself nor fix it for her. She has to want to fix or make changes for herself.

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    AF Member ZdenoChara's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by H-Reap View Post
    The "pushing away" and the "I need space" things are usually the kiss of death in a relationship. I'm speaking as a woman who's been in situations with past relationships that I felt wasn't working out one way or the other. Either the chemistry wasn't there or I felt the guy was way too pushy/needy and it scared the crap out of me (so run to hills I went!)

    On an upbeat note - there are plenty of fish in sea who will appreciate your kindness
    This. It's simply a nice of way saying I don't care to see you anymore. Honor her wishes and leave. Why bother to put in all the effort if it is simply going unappreciated? Sounds like she's fucking someone else and feels guilty about it. Which is why everything goes from great to shit in two seconds. It goes to shit when you do something that reminds her of why she likes you, it's fine when she wants you gone and doesn't care that she's getting it elsewhere.

  24. #24
    Senior Member canecorso's Avatar
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    Any chance you can give her a good OTK spanking?



    Currently 6'4 240 bf 17% ....





    http://www.canecorso.org/

  25. #25
    Frankenbutt Caligula's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by HULK1550 View Post
    its no coincidence that the three women that posted all say its basically the end of the relationship often times. if she isnt the one you honestly plan on spending the rest of your life with then get out or she will do this shit to you over and over. thats if she ever comes back in the 1st place
    This is very true. I forgot I have first hand experience with this. A girl my cousin was in love with (but not with) broke up with her boyfriend. My cousin tried to make a move on her and she kept pushing him away saying that she just wasn't ready for a relationship yet. About a week later I started my sophmore year of college and she was in one of my classes. We sat by each other because we knew who each other was (though we didn't know each other yet...just had went to the same highschool). I told my cousin about her being in my class and said I was thinking about asking her out. He said, "that's too bad...she just told me the other day she's not ready for a relationship". Ok, I thought. The next day of class she asked me to ride with her to pay a parking ticket. If you want to say our relationship started the first time we kissed...well then that would be that day. We dated for 4 years and we eventually broke up. Apparantly she wasn't too "distressed".

    So, basically what this means is... You can't trust women!
    Last edited by Caligula; 08-12-2011 at 08:55 PM.
    Curious


    "THAT WHICH DOES NOT KILL YOU MAKES YOU STRONGER"

    "THE HARDER YOU WORK, THE HARDER IT IS TO SURRENDER" - Vince Lombardi

    "A COWARD HAS NO SCAR"


    - I NEVER ASKED TO BE SHOWN HOW HUMAN I WAS, OR JUST WHAT I COULD BECOME.

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