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Thread: Maybe you ladies can give me some insight

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  1. #1
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    Default Maybe you ladies can give me some insight

    My GF really needs to loose weight. I'm not even physically attracted to her anymore. She had started a diet and was doing pretty well. The weight was comming off slowly but surely. I was very impressed and proud of her. But, lately, and for the second time in the last three or so months, she's kind of come off the wagon and gone back to eating however she wants. I am very angery and disappointed with her. She says, every once in a while, that she needs to lose weight, but deep down I don't think it bothers her that much. After all, if it really bothered her enough, she wouldn't have allowed it to happen in the first place. Anyway, I don't know what to do, but I am just about fed up with trying to help her. So, what do you all think? I'd appreciate any advice you all can give me.

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    if she doesnt really want to do it for herself, she aint going to do it for you. if you dont love her the way she is then move on. some people arent bothered that they are overweight, if she doesnt care like you say she doesnt at best she will lose some weight and then gain it right back because losing weight and keeping it off is a lifestyle change.

    "Everybody wants to be a body builder but don't nobody want to lift no heavy ass weight"
    -Ronnie Coleman
    "Everybody wants to be a body builder but don't nobody want to lift no heavy ass weight"
    -Ronnie Coleman

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    Right on Hulk!! She has to want it.... just because she has gone back to her old eating habits doesn't mean she doesn't want to lose the weight. Maybe it's not coming off fast enough for her. Like Hulk said it's a lifestyle change and maybe she is just not ready. Most women are emotional eaters. Even though we know our asses are spreading we will continue to let it spiral out of control until she reaches the point where she is tired of the weight nothing will change. Is she dealing with some problems? Is she depressed? You would be better off trying to help her with the emotional problems than with the weight.

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    It sounds like perhaps you are now dissatisfied with what may have turned out to be a superficial relationship.
    Being "angry and disappointed" with her gives the impression that you have a feeling of superiority to her.

    <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>
    After all, if it really bothered her enough, she wouldn't have allowed it to happen in the first place.
    <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

    The above statement shows how shallow and out of touch you are with her and many other people with weight issues. Weight and food are more often than not a phsychological crutch that people start to depend on, and all of the "tut tut" and dissapointed looks in the world will do nothing but make the situation worse.

    If she really wants to lose weight, she needs to find someone who is supportive of HER. Not supportive of her losing weight, but supportive of HER! Her issues, her problems, and most of all someone who accepts her as she is... her weight loss, if it happens, will be something she does for her. Not so youll be attracted to her, or so she can fit in and definatly not to make you happy.

    She would probably benefit from counseling to help her deal with underlying issues. Either that or she needs someone more supportive.

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    You really need to get a handle on her goals and motivations. How far your girl can go and how quickly depends on the cause of her weight gain, her genes, goals, motivation and dedication. You need to answer a lot of questions before you can even think of helping her.

    What's causing her weight gain? Overeating or sedentary lifestyle? Is she taking any medication that might be affecting her weight? Is she overly stressed with work, school, family, etc.? Is this the same woman you were engaged to in February? You've referred to her here as your girlfriend, not your fiance. Is this indicative of change or stress in the relationship that could be contributing to her falling off the wagon? (If I'm reading into things too much, my apologies!!)

    What's her genetic predisposition and bodytype? Is she naturally a large girl, heavy set, large frame, are her parents and siblings overweight or are they thin and svelt? Not everyone is built to be a bikini model. A woman that's a size 12 might be a stunner at size 10 and look emaciated at size 8. She needs to establish goals that are realistic based on HER body and lifestyle.

    How much weight would she like to lose? Why does she want to lose weight? I've got a feeling she hasn't set any precise goals for herself because her heart isn't in it. It seems like the pressure to lose weight is coming more from you than from her own desires.

    Does she want her clothes to fit better, is it for health reasons, or both? Does she think she needs to please you by slimming down? If she's doing this because she thinks she'll lose you, or she needs to stay attactive and slim for you, no diet will ever work for her.

    You mentioned in another thread you were a personal trainer, so the relationship between someone's goals and their motivation should come as no surprise to you.

    If you're really going to help her, your understanding and emotional support will go much farther than any condemnation. You need to be patient, support her, understand her difficulty and lovingly advise her when you can. Let her decide the right time to apply what you've told her. If you can't give her that much of yourself you need to think long and hard about your feelings for her and what you want from the relationship.

    Under normal circumstances, is she generally happy with her appearance? Is she obese or are we talking an extra 10 lbs. or so? If she's got a serious weight problem, you have every right to be concerned and frustrated. If this is about you, your ego, and whether or not she's attractive to you anymore, you've got some growing up to do. This may be an ill-timed comment and if it's out of line I apologize, but if you're looking for a chick that makes you look good when she's on your arm, or if you're embarassed by your girlfriend's weight, there's a bigger problem here than her yo-yoing dedication to a diet.

    I feel there's more going on here than you've told us. My gut says her heart wasn't in this 3 months ago and isn't now. If I'm right, no pressure from you will change that. What do you really want Swole? Do you want HER or do you want a thinner, hotter girlfriend?

    If you can't accept her and love her as she is, if you can't be happy with her whether she makes a change in her lifestyle and loses weight or not...then you can't, that's that and your best bet is to move on. Atleast then you'll both have a chance to meet people you can be completely happy with.

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    Hey Monster,

    At the time that I first posted this thread, I was pretty irritated with her for several reasons, not just weight loss related. So, some of the things I said were perhaps said a little to quickly.

    However, it's not your damn place to come off the way you did, as if to suggest I'm not supportive of her. Before you come off firing crap like that, make sure you have the whole story. I assure you, there is no one in the world more supportive of her than I. I accept her as she is and have for two+ years. I've also sacrficed an incrdible amount so her and I could be together. I gave up a good job and money to be able to be with her. There is no force on earth that could take me away from her and there is nothing in the world I wouldn't do for her.

    So, before you go firing off the top like that, make sure you got all the facts. In the mean time, stay in your damn place.

    Also, if you don't have anything constructive to add, keep your damn mouth shut.


    To the Moderators,

    I apologize in advance for my response to dumbass's comment, but he has seriously pissed me off.

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    dude, honestly go back and read your posts over the last few months. You are all over the place. you admit to making angry posts and what not...how do you expect people to help you when even you realize you are acting in this way?

    "Everybody wants to be a body builder but don't nobody want to lift no heavy ass weight"
    -Ronnie Coleman
    &amp;quot;Everybody wants to be a body builder but don&amp;apos;t nobody want to lift no heavy ass weight&amp;quot;
    -Ronnie Coleman

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    You asked, and you got a response.
    If you wanted us to know the whole story you should have posted it, instead of posting part of the story and not liking the response you get.

    From what you posted at the start here, what I said is completly in tune with what would seem to be the case.
    I understand now that you posted that in an emotional state, and maybe that puts my response into a different context... I still feel that my response was accurate based on the information you provided, which made you seem to be another guy who wants help to "make his girlfriend/wife" do something. The info youve added may change that, but without the additional info, you get what you get.

    <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>
    Also, if you don't have anything constructive to add, keep your damn mouth shut.
    <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

    What I said was quite constructive given what you said at the time. Its no different than when Vox was physically and psychologically abusing his obese brother, he had the kid get on the board and then would talk down to him and insult him. I laid into Vox and I would do it again. Maybe I was wrong about you, but at the time and with the facts I had I think I was accurate.

    <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>
    So, before you go firing off the top like that, make sure you got all the facts.
    <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

    If you want to ask for peoples help, GIVE all the facts.

    <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>
    In the mean time, stay in your damn place.
    <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

    If you only want certin people to see your post, start a private topic, otherwise youre posting for every member to see... so Im right in my place.

    <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>
    To the Moderators,

    I apologize in advance for my response to dumbass's comment, but he has seriously pissed me off.
    <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

    As a Moderator myself, apology accepted!



    No hard feelings, chief... lifes to short to get all riled up!

    -------------------------
    <-- Click Here. BECAUSE I SAID SO!

    Coming Soon! The MidwestMuscle/SPS Nutrition Podcast!

    "Yes I know my enemies. They’re the teachers who taught me to fight me, to compromise, conformity, assimilation, submission, ignorance, hypocrisy, brutality... the elite.
    All of which are american dreams."
    -------------------------
    Whatever a man, and a woman, and another woman with a penis and a midget do to a donkey, that's their garsh-darn business.

    I am against religion because it teaches us to be satisfied with not understanding the world.

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    <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Swole2112:
    Before you come off firing crap like that, make sure you have the whole story. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>How can we have the whole story w/o YOU posting it? What Monster posted I completely agree with based on what YOU posted. You just don't know how many times we have seen these kinds of posts. Men wanting their women to use drugs just to "tone up" or have a higer sex drive so cut us some slack! He figured you were one of them (so did I) based on YOUR post.

  10. #10

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    ive thought about it this post and i may get some shit for my response but oh well....

    Hulk can agree that i tend to have very similar thought processes as he does, especially in regards to posts like this.

    I too, am a trainer and the difference with men and women wanting to lose weight is night and day. Women (most) are purely emotional, men (most) arent. With that being said, your girlfriend/fiance whatever, has some diggin to do as to what her underlying factors of weight gain are, period. I know this was all just said, very well by PQ, i just wanted to second that.

    Now for my personal view....i cannot for the life of me understand why a woman, being totally physically capable, would not want to stay in shape. If you are with a man that loves you lard ass or hard ass, great for you. Thats not me, and i certainly dont think its hulk. To me its not overated, superficial, or too demanding, to ME. It's simply my lifestyle and I think these beliefs should be laid out on the table or deeply recognized from the start if they are that important to you. If not, move the hell on.

    When a woman gets physically in shape, so many things fall into place-emotionally. I've experienced it, and ive seen it over and over with all my female clients. Weight comes off, she holds her head a little higher, does herself up a little more, smiles more, laughs more, engages in more public outings, feels sexier-wants more sex-in turn your relationship flourishes just from the emotional boost she can get from getting in shape. As a trainer i know you know the physical implications that weight gain imposes, bp, heart disease...yada yada.

    So swole, no i dont think you're in the wrong for wanting her to lose weight. Then again, was she always Ms.Bangin bod when you met her? Or has your path of perfecting your body led you to believe she must play catch up? I think far too many men AND women fear the suggestion of wt loss so they stay, sulking, unhappy, angry, and god forbid, turn to infidelity.
    What may be wrong is your approach. You know her, we dont, so with that choose your words carefully.

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    <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by prima:
    As a trainer i know you know the physical implications that weight gain imposes, bp, heart disease...yada yada.
    <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

    But my thing was, there was no mention of health, it was a mention that he isnt attracted to her anymore, which is completly superficial. I dont even have aproblem with that, but lets call it what it is and not play up some "doing it for her" angle when thats not the case. Im speaking figurativly now swole, not about you in particular..

    <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>
    Now for my personal view....i cannot for the life of me understand why a woman, being totally physically capable, would not want to stay in shape.
    <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

    Pray you never do.
    The emotional and psychological factorsthat lead some women to obesity are many of the same ones that lead others to drugs or alchohol. But people are yet to have the same sympathy for fat people that they have for alcoholics or drug addicts. Its toeasy tosit back and say "stop eating so much", but on the same notewhy not tell and alcoholic "dont drink" or a crack-head "just dont smoke crack".

    As a personal trainer I would think you would have a better understanding as to the motivations people have for eating... it would make being an effective trainer a lot easier. But compasion and understanding seemstobe in short supply these days.

    -------------------------
    <-- Click Here. BECAUSE I SAID SO!

    Coming Soon! The MidwestMuscle/SPS Nutrition Podcast!

    "Yes I know my enemies. They’re the teachers who taught me to fight me, to compromise, conformity, assimilation, submission, ignorance, hypocrisy, brutality... the elite.
    All of which are american dreams."


    -------------------------
    Whatever a man, and a woman, and another woman with a penis and a midget do to a donkey, that's their garsh-darn business.

    I am against religion because it teaches us to be satisfied with not understanding the world.

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    <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Swole2112:
    I accept her as she is and have for two+ years.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>If you accept her as she is, why are you so angry, disappointed and no longer physically attracted to her? Has she gained THAT much weight?

    <BLOCKQUOTE class="ip-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>I've also sacrficed an incrdible amount so her and I could be together. I gave up a good job and money to be able to be with her. There is no force on earth that could take me away from her and there is nothing in the world I wouldn't do for her.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>What does giving up a job and money have to do with anything? This is about HER, her body, what she wants and why...right? Does that topic come up often? "I gave up all of THAT for you, so the least you can do for me is THIS?" If so, that's not going to motivate her, that kind of view only builds resentment.

    What's really going on here Swole? Deep down, does she WANT to change as much as you say she does? Maybe she's saying that because she knows YOU want her to lose weight. Maybe these diets aren't working because she's tried to lose for your benefit, not for her own. You two really need to figure this stuff out.

    If it's coming from her, if this is her idea, you must be patient.
    You said she's aware of the problem and has indicated a need to lose weight to you right? Well, if that's true, the need to address it and correct it will arise eventually. You're going to have to let her come to you when she's serious and ready. If you really are supportive of her, you are ready to do this on HER time and her terms. You won't rush her into a weight loss plan, you won't pressure her.

    Her losing weight is going to be hard on her. Maybe harder than you having to emotionally support her is going to be on you. She's going to have to break bad habits she's probably had for years. She's going to have to take control of her life, her mind and her body. That's no small feat. The rewards aren't going to come quickly either. You're going to have to be patient, understanding and more supportive than you've ever been. Some people struggle with weight for years before they're able to make permanent changes in their lifestyles to keep weight off. Can you be supportive for that long if needs be?

    I think you two have a lot of talking and soul searching to do...there are too many unanswered questions here. I have to say it, and it's probably going to piss you off, but my gut is saying that this is about you and what you want. I think all of this is your idea and that's why you have yet to mention any goals, causes, numbers or other information that would be indicative of HER desire to lose weight. But I do hope I'm wrong.

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    I hope for the best for you both too swole.
    You have to understand that after 15 years in the game and 10 years on the boards I (we) have seen more of this than you can imagine... and the absolute worst seem to be from the man who goes to the gym who is with a woman who doesnt.
    I always gets down to the man forcing his ideals on health and fitness and diet on a woman who is not in any way interested, and sadly, the woman usually gets worn down to the point where she does it just to make him happy (i.e. to shut him up). It doesnt work and it creates a load of tension and unhapiness in the relationship.
    Even worse than that seems to be the guy who allof a sudden "discovers" the gym. Because those are usually the guys who are all of a sudden "hardcore" and will go on about "what are you putting in your body?"

    So bear in mind that for ever one guy we see who is genuinly trying to help, we see two more who are selfishly motivated...

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    <-- Click Here. BECAUSE I SAID SO!

    Coming Soon! The MidwestMuscle/SPS Nutrition Podcast!

    "Yes I know my enemies. They’re the teachers who taught me to fight me, to compromise, conformity, assimilation, submission, ignorance, hypocrisy, brutality... the elite.
    All of which are american dreams."


    -------------------------
    Whatever a man, and a woman, and another woman with a penis and a midget do to a donkey, that's their garsh-darn business.

    I am against religion because it teaches us to be satisfied with not understanding the world.

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    Well said and so true!

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    I’m very new on this board, and know precious little about fitness. However I do know something about relationships, and since this is a public discussion I thought I’d chime in.

    Swole, you have not said whether or not your gf is considered overweight. I think this is important because being overweight includes a whole host of issues not necessarily involved with a little extra pudge.

    Dieting is really difficult for most people. I know y’all understand that and have been through some intense diet experiences, and Swole, I don’t know you but I suspect that since you’re on this board you’re one of them. Therefore I suspect that your convictions regarding diet and exercise run deep. Your motivation to be healthy and fit springs from those convictions, and most people don’t share them. Without a deep conviction, it’s hard to be committed, because to what are you committing? Nothing. Add to that the years of living a lifestyle where you eat what you want and do what you want – that reinforces decision-making neuropathways that run deeply, making it that much harder to make a change. I suggest trying to stay as compassionate as possible with her situation, and trying to help her make good, small decisions everyday before one big unmanageable one.

    I think all of that can be said whether your gf is pudgy or overweight. However, if she’s overweight, there is a greater danger (my father was obese and died at 44 from a heart attack). As far as your feelings toward her and the situation, I think they’re fair. It’s okay to feel hurt, angry and disappointed. I also think it’s good that you recognize feeling that way about it (lot’s of people can’t tell how they feel about things). Just be sure you’re not transferring responsibility for your feelings onto her. They are yours to deal with. All we can really do in a relationship is ask ourselves, “Am I fulfilled in this relationship?”

    One last thing, you said that when you first posted, you were “pretty irritated with her for several reasons”. It’s very, very common for a particular issue (like being overweight) to become a point of contention, even when it isn’t the real reason there is disappointment. Are you sure that her need to lose weight is the main issue? She will be the same person she is now even when she has fewer pounds. In my experience, it takes 2 – 3 years for real “issues” in a relationship to come up. It’s a tough time, but very rewarding if you get through them together.

    I wish you luck!
    ~ You can change the future. You do it with every decision you make, and every decision you don&amp;apos;t make. ~

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    I agree Atalanta, completly.
    To expand on what you said I think its important for her to look at this not as a"diet" but as a lifestyle change. I think "diet" sort of makes it seem like a temporary thing is being done to accomplish the goal of weight loss, when in all actuality she should be looking at a lifestyle change. Either that or as soon as she is done with the "diet", her old lifestyle will see the lost weight put back on with probably a little more.

    -------------------------
    <-- Click Here. BECAUSE I SAID SO!

    Coming Soon! The MidwestMuscle/SPS Nutrition Podcast!

    "Yes I know my enemies. They’re the teachers who taught me to fight me, to compromise, conformity, assimilation, submission, ignorance, hypocrisy, brutality... the elite.
    All of which are american dreams."


    -------------------------
    Whatever a man, and a woman, and another woman with a penis and a midget do to a donkey, that's their garsh-darn business.

    I am against religion because it teaches us to be satisfied with not understanding the world.

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