Another (Step)children post

[archive_HULK1550]

Hey everyone, i hadnt been on the board in a few days and missed the post on having kids and just read it all very thoroughly. but it got me to thinking, and i would never even ask this or divulge it for that reason but since everyone was so honest in the last post ill give it a try.
until a year and a half ago, i never wanted kids. never, for all of the selfish reasons everyone said. I wanted everything for me. to have what i wanted, to do what i wanted and not to sacrafice for anyone, unless i found someone just like me, who wanted what i wanted and nothing more. I was satisfied being alone. i was happy and i was fine being like that forever as far as i was concerned.
Then everything changed a year and a half ago when i met my future (for sure) to be wife. She is the female version of me, we think it and everyone tells us the same thing. she has two kids from a previous, and destructive marriage. she has changed everything i thought about kids. But she has done this, not her kids. we are very similar people, the boys' father is the complete opposite of us and there is an awful lot of him in them. enough so that they and i have almost nothing in common and to be honest, they dont have a lot in common with thier mother either, but she has a bond with them i never will. we always worry that if we have a baby i will become very distant with her kids, and to be quite honest its possible, not because i dont like her boys but because we dont have much in common, while im watching sports or trying to get them to play, they want to play hopscotch or ask to do something else. has anyone hear run into a situation like this and how did it workk out? did you end up having children of your own? how did that workout? We want a baby together more than anything except us being together but would hate to see something like that tear us apart. Although it, would always be an issue if we didnt also. Thanks for all your wisdom and insight everyone.
H

"Everybody wants to be a body builder but don't nobody want to lift no heavy ass weight"
-Ronnie Coleman

[valerie]

Very tough situation raising stepkids. I've been in both positions. How the boys feel about a sibling should be no bearing on your decision. For sure they will resent you and make things difficult for awhile, much of this depends on how they see you treating their mother. Kids have an amazing ability to adapt and the flip side of that is how they will see their dad. No point in putting him down in front of them, that will serve no good purpose. No matter how much of a dog he is they will not see that until they are older, if at all. I would take it very slowly and this is just from my experience as a kid. Good luck to you--valerie

[archive_HULK1550]

It really doesnt have much to do with how the boys feel. They both want a little brother or sister. Its me, its how i might show such favortism. I mean right now, i love her and the boys, but i know there is no part of me in them. And being how i am i really dont have a soft childish side with them. I know i have it in me, shit if you saw me with my dog, you'd think i was a sissy, but with them i dont have that. i think its cause i didnt know them when they were babies, they were 5 and 7 when i met them and i see them as boys not babies. We never put there father down even though he is worthless and probably a detriment to thier development. He says things about us but we dont say anything about him. they know thier mom and i love each other, a long time ago we would ask them why they think we love each other and the first thing that came out was that "because you guys dont fight and your always happy toghether" im more just worried that there would be such a division if we had a child together even though its what we both want so bad.
H

"Everybody wants to be a body builder but don't nobody want to lift no heavy ass weight"
-Ronnie Coleman

[macdaddy]

I have the same situation, of my 4 kids one is a stepson, he is VERY different from me. When you see your child for the first time (I am speaking for myself) you fall instantly and forever in love. With my step-son I fell in love over the course of time. I don't feel the bond with him that I do the other three but he doesn't feel that bond with me either.

I know his dad (pussy) and his father is involved in his life. I don't try to fill his father's shoes, he has a father for that, I try to be there for him when he needs me and di what I can to help him. If he wants me around, I am around, if he doens't I make myself scarce.

I never, ever speak ill of his father when he is there. You know my mother was a vain selfish bitch, I can say that, you shouldn't, I don't appreciate people saying bad things about my mom even though she was a nut. By the same token, I know Ryan wouldn't appreciate me speaking poorly of his idiot father.

[archive_HULK1550]

Hey mac,
the dream or hope is that there would be no division thats what im worried about. Maybe thats wishful thinking though. i just dont want a my kid her kids thing. without that bond you speak of though maybe thats not realistic though?

"Everybody wants to be a body builder but don't nobody want to lift no heavy ass weight"
-Ronnie Coleman

[macdaddy]

there is a difference in my situation, I know other people that feel no difference. The one guy I'm thinking of who reports no difference, his step daughter's bio father is not involved at all, maybe thats makes a difference. The bond that exists between my bio kids and my step son just isn't the same.

That doesn't mean I can't treat the kids the same though, I am aware of my feelings and I am aware how the boy would feel if I treated him as if he were not as good as the others, so I am careful there.

By the way, after I posted the above this morning, this kid who is so different than I am wanted to go to the gym with me, he's never been before, he's 12 and only weighs 80 lbs. Man, it was cool, bringing another one in giving him etiquette tips etc. you know "don't walk in front of the mirror" crap like that. It was just really cool, having him there. He did well.

[archive_HULK1550]

I think i know what you mean, as long as you know how you feel, it can be okay. Thats awesome that he wanted to do that with you!

"Everybody wants to be a body builder but don't nobody want to lift no heavy ass weight"
-Ronnie Coleman

[Pharm Animal]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="**-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by macdaddy:
Man, it was cool, bringing another one in giving him etiquette tips etc....It was just really cool, having him there. He did well.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Mac,
That's awesome. Seize the opportunity to make it something you can bond together with! My brother is in the same situation, and although he has no biological kids, he has his little partner in crime that has taken him as his #1 role model. Good stuff!

[macdaddy]

I work out with my 15 yr old somewhat regularly, he's an animal, My 12 yr stepson is more cerebral, which made it that much cooler that he wanted to participate.

Hey hulk, bty, you may get some pushback from a step child's bio dad. Rock's bio dad is a mean spirited, back stabbing, pencil neck. He does not and never has had the courage to confront face to face if something is bothering him, he'd rather try to create problems with the boy and me. Sometimes when he comes back from his dad's it takes some time for normalacy to return and it's hard, really hard not to take it out on the boy. I try to remember that I am the adult here.

Here is an example of the back stabbing pettiness. When Rock was 4 yrs old I knocked him down, I didn't mean to, I am a big guy with one eye, I accidently knocked the kid over....into a dresser, he needed 3 stitched on his forehead. I have never felt so bad about anything, until his father got him to say I punched him in the ehad and called children's services. An investigation ensued and there was no problem. He did this with a 4 year old. Last year Rock and I were camping and out of the blue he apologized for that. He remembered what happened and it had been on his mind for 7 years, 3/4 of his life. I was floored. That situation was not something we talked about, I never mentioned it after it was all over and out of the blue he said he was sorry. The 11 yr old was more of a man than his bio dad.

Kids can really suprise you, even though there may be a difference between a step child and a biological child, you can still love them...a lot.

[archive_HULK1550]

Thanks mac,
I definately get some kind of push from his bio dad, who sees the kids all of one day a month, but the older boy (7) adores him and he cant do anything wrong in his eyes. I can honestly say that the bio dad is the complete opposite of me and that we have not one thing in common. its hard because i know he tries to impress me the same way he would his father but im sorry im not impressed with a seven year old boy acting like a 5 yr old girl. his mother isnt either but his mother has a bond with him that i dont and will never have. its just a wierd situation that frankly makes me feel bad quite often. but something we will obviously have to work through and find a solution to.
thanks
H

"Everybody wants to be a body builder but don't nobody want to lift no heavy ass weight"
-Ronnie Coleman

[Wood]

I have no real business giving my opinion or giving advice, but its Saturday - I went to the movies with my wife, picked Anchorman since my wife does not like action movies and thankfully the projector broke half an hour into the film since it was just annoying (except for the character Brick). So we came home and I am just sitting around.

I personally believe you have the important part of the equation right - you love their mother. So that makes getting the final answer correct much easier.

Also personally I believe your own child will be different. So you will have to make special effort. Also you may be surprised to find your own child is very different than you - you may have little in common with your own child as they grow up - although they will still think you are great.

My oldest son and I hit it off from the first day. My oldest daughter and I had problems for years. My son never had a terrible twos period. My daughter had the terrible twos for about 6 years. When she was born my son and I spent even more time together and grew closer. My daughter spent most of her time with my wife, so we were not very close. She was often prone to angry outbursts and was very stubborn, and we clashed often.

Every year back then we went to the beach in North Carolina, we haven't done it in years since I have not been able to afford it - but back then we went every year for 7 years. It was tradition for my son and I to dig a really big hole in the sand. I mean big. So big I could stand in it and hardly be able to look out - like 6 feet deep (this was always dug with plastic toy shovles and buckets - no real shovels) - the bottom usually filled up with water. Once we had 2 holes with a tunnel connecting them.

I tried to get closer to my daughter by digging the hole of the summer with her. I tried to let her lead. We would dig a bit, and then she wanted to just throw the sand back in the hole. This was blasphemy. then she wanted to dig it out again...and throw it back again. I was feeling really really annoyed as it was destroying my plans for a big hole in the sand. I was making a large effort not to show my irritation. Then all of a sudden something just switched and I allowed myself to enjoy not making any progress - we dug out a few scoops and then put them back...over and over again. I was able to drop my goal of getting this big hole dug and just got into what she wanted to do, and enjoying her delight in simply taking sand out and then putting it back - which otherwise would have seemed completely pointless to me.

I ended up having such a good and pointless time. I could not wait to do it with her again - the next day there was a big hurricane warning and I was so dissappointed to have to evacuate.

Another time she wanted me to play paper dolls with her. I cannot tell you how much I hated this. But she wanted me (the boy paper doll) to come ask her girl doll out on a date. Which I did "Will you go on a date with me?".... To which her girl doll replied "No". No explanation, just NO. It was not the funnest game in the world but I spent time with her doing what she wanted to do.

Over the last 2 or 3 years she and I have grown much closer. We have spent many hours just sitting in her room talking about problems with her friends, things at school, what she wants to do etc.

My point? I guess it is that with your step children you will have to just be determined to do things with them. And I recommend often letting them pick the activity no matter how much it annoys you. I would recommend being reasonable with yourself , not asking of yourself more than you can do - but at the same time trying to be disciplined, for example committing to making sure you spend at least half an hour once a week with the step children in a private one on one activity such as hopscotch or getting ice cream. Just you and them alone. Read them a bed time story... "Then the Hulk confronted the wicked step dad and emasculated him in front of a whole bunch of hot chicks..."

Sometimes I think that we grow to love that which we sacrifice for. It would be a sacrifice for you to play some hopscotch - so do it once a month. I know its acting like a little girl - and it would require a great deal of strength and sacrifice on your part - but if you have taken the job of dad, it will truly make you a man among men to do it. Otherwise maybe you should not take the job, if you can't do the truly ugly dirty work.

Besides it will be good practice because your own child, the union of you and the wife you would love, might be different from you. Perhaps she will want to play paper dolls and turn you down for a date. Perhaps he will not like the same sports activities you do. Perhaps they (he or she) will do much better than you at some of those things as well. But you may have to tolerate the differences as well with your own child - the hair styles, the music, the activities, the friends, etc. But I think there will be a difference when its your own child - so you just have to make a disciplined committment to these other offspring of your wifes

I don't know if any of that is correct or makes sense -

[Wood]

<BLOCKQUOTE class="**-ubbcode-quote"><font size="-1">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by macdaddy:
He remembered what happened and it had been on his mind for 7 years, 3/4 of his life. I was floored. That situation was not something we talked about, I never mentioned it after it was all over .<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>

That is a really cool story. I am glad you never mentioned it until he brought it up. I am glad he felt comfortable enough to bring it up too.

[macdaddy]

Wood, it seems like you have the idea down "It's not all about me anymore"&gt; I hate playing tea party with my daughter, but I love hanging with her, so we play tea party.....and....I'll admit it, Barbie. That's right The big ol' 270 lb one eyed dad sits on the floor and plays Barbie with the most beautiful 3 yr old in the world, in fact, the most beautiful girl in the world period. Her mother being the most beautiful woman.

[Wood]

Yeah I will admit it I have played Barbie too. But worse is Polly Locket. Its these little dolls, about 3 inches tall, and the whole point is to change their wardrobe. I played with her last Thursday and we were on the floor. I woke up a couple of hours later. I just couldn't help it , it was so boring I fell asleep while playing. I guess she just got up and left me there.